If you want to snag that special somebody, there’s only one thing you have to do!
And that is to casually bring your genitals into the conversation.
1.) “Woah, it’s really damp out, kind of like my genitals.” (Credit goes to Kelly Gilbert.)
2.) “Man, did you shave your head? Because I shaved my genitals today.”
3.) “How are your genitals doing? I’m just checking because I’m concerned about your overall health, and your genitals are a part of your body.”
4.) “Man, what smells in here? Definitely not my genitals!” add a little winky face ;)
5.) During any conversation you can just say, “So.. My genitals.” And see what happens!
6.) You can also say that anything is “kind of like my genitals” This is really fun!
"Oh man, your grumpy landlord is kind of like my genitals because they are also angry and vengeful."
"Oh man, your broken faucet is kind of like my genitals because I can’t always control the liquid that comes out of them."
"Oh man! You making the honor roll is kind of like my genitals because they are always working hard to achieve new goals!"
"Woah, your sports injury is kind of like my genitals because they don’t always make everyone feel comfortable!"
And yes, you can only say genitals. Leave a little something to the imagination. Make them work!
THIS IS THE CUTEST THING EVER.
Just wait until.. you’ll know. It’s actually the cutest thing. Where’s my brain? Oh yeah it’s in a puddle on the ground because it leaked out of my ear. It was that cute! Homiegirl just gave the world a gift!!! I wanna talk about it but I also don’t want to spoil it. Just wait. Just wait.
How are yall doin after witnessing that? Are you okay? I’m not sure! AHH!
So, that’s a cute thing, but here’s a list of gross/ awkward things that have happened to me since you’ve last read my blog!
1.) I have a GIANT canker sore. It’s actually shaped like a person trying to catch a frisbee, which is interesting to me. Is that symbolic?!
And yes, it is painful! I keep having to apply a topical ointment to get rid of it, but it makes the side of my mouth numb and then I drool a little. Turned on yet?
2.) I hugged someone for too short of a time! Then, I felt bad, went back into the hug, and hugged them for too long! I tried to defuse the situation by saying “I’m so cold and you’re so warm!” It did not work! Yikes! All my fault!
But I did learn a lesson. If you are leaving a hug, there’s no going back. Just get out, leave. Like Jojo. Or was it that guy who cheated on Jojo? Just do it.
3.) Met a dude who was turned on by twins. He started acting weird, so I shoved a pop-tart in his mouth. No lie. No lie, no lie.
Weird things happen in threes!
Just sharing some hopes, dreams and fears.
I’m also working on a fiction piece right now, and it’s been a lot of fun! When it’s done I’ll post it here maybe, but it’s not all funny. There’s some drama. I’m talking marital issues, affairs, and lots of big realizations and shit. I have a feeling I will read it when I’m older and think, “Holy shit that was pretentious,” mostly because I’ve never had marital problems, and the only car crash I was in that was cool was when my grandma hit our car. We thought her horn was just part of the track behind “Ring the Alarm” by Beyonce, but it wasn’t. Then we all went shopping together! Whatever. You have to try to take yourself seriously sometimes right?
Just watch me as my scarf flows in the wind while I read Proust on a rock and smoke cigarette in all black, chuckling as I put my hand on your shoulder and call you honey while I give you the gift of knowledge because I’m charitable like that. I’ll put Proust down, but before I do I’ll say “Ah, Proust, so good.” then I’ll say, ”Dubstep is just on a higher level than all other music.” and start to dance at you with a straight face. All you will be able to do is ask yourself, “Is this real?”
Oh, it is, and you better dance with me if you wanna get on my level. I would rule at being pretentious.
But for real, dubstep is fun sometimes. I’m not totally hatin. OMG HAS IT HAPPENED?!? Am I being meta pretentious by making fun of pretentious stuff.
BAHHHHHHHH (inception sound)
Imma stop spiraling now.
P.S. That cartoon fart though!!! SO CUTE!
(Source: surrahsinwonderland, via talktothenerd)
Hair cuts aren’t hot. Doing what you want is SEXXXY
SO GIT AT ME BECAUSE IT’S ALL I DOOOOOOO.
I have a longy in the works but I’m editing it so that your ears don’t bleed when you subvocalize it.(did you know your eardrums vibrate a teeny tiny bit when you subvocalize?! Craycray!) Don’t lie about not doing it. Or do lie about doing it so that I feel like I’m not a failure!
Officials are searching for a 14-year-old Queens boy who is mute and was reported missing Friday.
Avonte Oquendo, who is 5 foot 3 and 125 pounds, was last seen leaving Center Boulevard School in Long Island City at around 12:45 p.m. Friday.
Oquendo was wearing a gray striped shirt, black jeans and black sneakers.
Anyone with information about Oquendo’s whereabouts is asked to call the NYPD’s Crime Stoppers Hotline at 800-577-TIPS. #EveryoneRepostThis
I usually don’t reblog anything, but this is important. If you can spread the word about this kid, please do. Anything you can do to spread the word makes a difference.
P.S. if you see him, remember that he is non verbal. He cannot talk at all. If you see him, make sure he doesn’t leave your sight. There’s also a 70,000 dollar reward for his safe return.
But now i need to sleep so please don’t quake too hard with excitement.
So, I’ve lost some followers. Guess they couldn’t handle ALL OF THIS.
I’m not sad about it!
NOPE! I’m not crying. I will rise above and they’ll be fucking sorry when they want to be friends with their famous blogger acquaintance. Oh shit. Oh zay.
Look at me not caring!
So, this is what’s up with me. They can be broken into the categories, fun, funny, cool, and gross.
Fun funny and cool all go together.
1. I went onto my friends roof in the city! But getting on the roof involved climbing up a ladder, but it’s okay because I learned a lot about myself in the process of getting up that ladder. (OMG sub-list time.) (Another thing, lots of people write lists on their blogs. It’s a blog thing. Got it? Blahhhg!)
- Big ladders are terrifying
- I’m actually afraid of heights/ situations where the chance of falling a long way is higher than usual. It’s because I’m different from most people. Like, get to know me and you’ll be like “WOAH. She is so different from all of the other people!”
- Maybe I should invest in a life helmet and/or rock climbing equipment so that I don’t have to have my friends pep talk me up the latter. What I’m trying to say is that they told me I was a big brave dog, and I put that compliment in the safe I keep inside my heart. The key for the safe: a lil’ bit of courage.
- Amazing views and solitude in the city are worth climbing up scary ladders for! I saw the city skyline, the actual sky was clear, and my eyes couldn’t take it all in at once. Overwhelmingly large beautiful things are the best. Let your eyes drink it all in.
- SUB-LIST DONE.
2. I also went on the Williamsburg Bridge for the first time! It’s SO COOL. Seriously, I looked up at the sky and thought, ‘This is what it will be like in a million years when we live on a giant crazy ass space ship.’ I mean, that’s what everyone thinks on that bridge right? So much metal! I also mooned a subway train from the bridge with some friends, and it honked. I like to think that my butt invoked a real response that people in the city heard for miles. Poetic butt stuff!
3. I also went to a really fun party at my friend’s new apartment in Queens. It was fun and cozy. There was also a lot of nice cheese.
4. Trains aren’t as fast as cars sometimes. Yup. When I realized this all I could think was ‘What the FUCK just happened to my brain?”
1. I dropped my bag in a puddle of urine. NOT ON PURPOSE! Promise. It looked like a normal puddle so I was already annoyed, and then later my bag smelled like pee and had a big brown stain on it. Then a friend of mine rested her head on it to sleep and I was like WOAH GIRL THAT BE DRY URINE. Memories!
2. The subway smelled especially bad. Like rancid pee. Omg band name!!! I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. Goodnight!
PS I’m going to write a lil memoir soon but I don’t care if you don’t care.
PSS Lil Memoir would be a sick rapper name.
I’d tell you all about how I’ve been, but I DON’T THINK YOU COULD HANDLE IT. Everything in my life right now is very MC-17 and I just don’t want to freak anyone out because I’m a very considerate person. I’m just respecting your boundaries. I mean, if only you knew. Shoot, guys.
I’ve been JAMMIN to this song lately. Please listen while you read!
BABY U A SONNNNNNG U MAKE ME WANNA ROLL MY WINDOWS DOWN AND CRUISEEE!
That may be the best song ever. GET IN MY TRUCK!
Which brings me to the subject of new games I’ve thought of. One is called, HEY GET IN MY TRUCK. Here’s how you play. When you’re talking to someone and they don’t know what you’re talking about say, “HEY, GET IN MY TRUCK,” instead of explaining. This works really well in a seminar setting when a professor disagrees with you and has a doctorate on the topic. They need to just get in your truck so that you guys can cruise together all the way to your side of things ya know?
So I’m trying to think of a story that would be funny to tell you guys.
I’ve also come up with a new game called, “Okay!” that was inspired by my friend Ray Schecter. (SHOUTIN U OUT GIRRRL) All you have to do is wait for someone to say something that makes you uncomfortable, and then just say “OKAY!” like you’re really excited. Maybe hold their hands and look into their eyes. It makes everyone very comfortable, which is something that I’m really about.
Oh! I wrote my first fiction story and it was bad! That was exciting. Everyone’s going to read it and be like, wow, Megan’s blog is the best thing I’ve ever read and has changed the way I see the world, but what the hell is this?! And I am not trying to get you guys to compliment me, I really mean that the story I wrote was bad. But hey, you gotta start somewhere. Maybe one of Steven Spielberg’s first screenplays was bad and looked like this!
Marvin: WOAH. AN ALIEN.
Betty: WOAH MARVIN YOU ARE RIGHT.
Marvin: I KNOW RIGHT?!
(And yes, they’re screaming!)
Or Ray Bradburry wrote a story like this:
OMG There were aliens. It was crazy. Everyone should have just been able to read and the TV thing got a little out of hand. There were also robots. UH OH!
He cut the aliens from Fahrenheit 451 later.
When I get critiqued on it next week I will let yall know what they say! And I’ll let you know about how it all made me feel!
So that’s me for now. I’ll try to think of some good stories to tell you guys next toimme but be grateful for the things you get from this blog.
Hookeey.PEACE AND LOVE!
Did you know that there is a plant that blogs named Midori-san?
CHECK THIS OUT.
Actually, I just tried to find Midori-san’s blog on Google and it just found a bunch of articles about how Midori-san is able to blog. I also found a website with a lot of pictures of amazing looking Japanese food and am now super hungry so…
Also! Why do we need to know how the blog works?! Obviously Midori-san feels what Midori-san feels and then types about it. Duhhh. Woow.
If someone is ever mean to you, just say “Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow” For a long time, and swerve your head. They’ll be fucking sorry.
As for Aaron Carter,
Last night was a strange night, where I was left feeling like I was having fun looking at silly stuff but dirty for being so judgmental of Aaron Carter and his fans who make ten minute birthday slideshows of him and his twin sister, Angel.(There’s one part where the slideshow says “LET’S BOUNCE FOR THE CARTER TWINS!” and.. I did a little bit, and only half ironically..) I also judged the fans who take clips of different movies of people talking and then edit them together to make it look like two of their favorite celebrities are having a sexually tense conversation about how they just want to be themselves, be free from the social pressures of high school so that they can do each other.
After about 45 minutes of doing this, and laughing my butt off, I thought to myself, “but what is the punchline, Megan?” AND THEN I COULDN’T THINK ABOUT IT FOR TOO LONG AND WENT INTO A GUILT SPIRAL! YIKES YIKES YIKES!
So I guess what I’m saying is, children shouldn’t be allowed to be famous. Instead, adults should just pretend to be children in these situations. If instead of working out to be buff, adults could work hard to look like children by buying clothes from the kid’s section and never lifting any weights so that they keep their baby fat. This will keep people warm, and give short people a lot of jobs. Or if the adults were tall there could be a “kids’” show where everyone cast was tall and all the props were slightly bigger than they were supposed to be. Camera tricks!
Together we can save the children and give people jobs!!!
*****The more you know****
CUZ I HAVE A LIIFE.
But I want to tell you guys about things that are on my mind so Imma write about it tomorrow.
Topics to be developed are
1.) My feelings on hatin’ on Aaron Carter
2.) I don’t know. Every idea I have sounds great write now, and I’m like, “Oh yeah! That’s gunna be fun-ny.” but it might just be me being silly. Just a second ago I thought to myself, ‘The nineties. That is a great topic.’ and then thought about myself being a comedian and making bad jokes about how everyone is crazy about the 90’s right now. I’m wearing a black turtle neck in this scenario. I also have a weird haircut and badly tapered jeans. “Oh man guys, the nineties? Really? What? Everyone’s walking around pretending like their hopes and dreams have died!” I really don’t know what’s going on with all of this.
Whatevah I rock and NOBODY CARES >:0
I DON’T GIVE A DARN. Just look at that sassy emoticon that is from the nineties that I don’t care about!!!
Time to write about my life!
Hmmm.. Let’s see.
Well, two frightening things that have to do with animals have happened to me since I last wrote, and a couple of hours after I last wrote a sad weird thing that happened with an animal happened…
Bugs are animals! Right?! I think so.. I hate myself.
So.. I’ve been struggling with a lot of crazy ideas that are really big picture and end up coming up whenever I am confronted with eating animals, killing bugs or buying clothes and that is. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON. One day, in a thousand years if we aren’t all dead, we will be judged harshly, just like the cave-woman who ate her baby on that movie.
I just.. why? There’s so much bad in the world and a lot of it just seems stupid…
Anyway, I’m not going to get into it here because THIS IS A FUNNY BLOG. IT’S FUNNY. U R SUPPOSED TO LAUGH. But, seriously, if you see me hangin out, you should be like “yo let’s talk human rights and economics” or, “wtf is up with animals and stuff.” I want to talk about it!! I have a lot of thoughts!
Let’s talk about buggz baby. And a bat.
So, the but story is really intense because it is about a centipede. That’s right!!
I just want to talk about my bug policy in life for a minute because I feel like bugs get a bad rep because WE THINK THEY’RE UGLY. And because they are ugly they should die.
But actually. Bugs look gross. I don’t know why; they move in a weird way I guess. I think the ones that move really fast are the worst because they could crawl right on you just like that. And crawl in your ear and eat your brain. Or crawl somewhere else and… worse.
And we all be like, KILL KILL KILL.
Stop the violence. Take a breath,
and ask yourself, ‘Will this bug bite me? Does it carry any harmful bacteria? Ask yourself the tough questions. Like, do I want to kill this bug because I am too scared to put it in a cup and put it outside?’ Because I’m not sold on the idea that bugs don’t have feelings. That bugs don’t love other bugs and have baby bugs that they are trying to feed.
Also because in the fifth grade I was in a musical called “Going Buggy” all about the subject. I was the fuzzy little caterpillar and we all sang a disco song about it. Our school couldn’t afford costumes so we all had to wear white shirts and pants, so I wore a muscle shirt and I think a tie. A trade mark look. I was also a chubby kid. I’m going to stop gloating about it now.
So, out of my brain and into the world. I bring you all to my bathroom at two in the morning, where Kelly has just told me that she needs to show me a centipede.
It was 2 inches of brown, crunchy, prehistoric goodness with hair-like legs. It was so big that you could hear it’s feet click clack on the bathtub porcelain.
It was crazy. It was also stuck! It couldn’t leave and was struggling to get out of the tub! Poor little bug! It’s legs were moving like it was doing the worm in a weird way, which was silly because it wasn’t a worm. It was a centipede! hahahahaha bug jokes.
Anyway. After about an hour of Google-ing house centipedes and fb messaging cousins and friends who had had centipede experience, I learned some things. I learned that house centipedes eat bugs! So they’re helpful! I also learned from a friend that they can slide under anything, so putting them in a cup doesn’t always end up going well.
So, I did something better.
I found my old lacrosse stick, put on some boots and an oven-mit, and scooped that centipede up. Then I ran through the house as Kelly opened all the doors for me. I had the willies rull bad. The only problem with this is that Kelly said she didn’t see it in the stick.. so I have been living bravely not knowing where the centipede is.
I think it’s outside though. I think Kelly was just blind with adrenaline because it was all very intense.
I feel like this quote that I got from Yahoo! Voices is very accurate to my experience.
"Courage is simply the willingness to be afraid and act anyway." - Dr. Robert Anthony
GO BE BRAVE! I’ll talk about the bat lattuhh. (imma also edit this latuhhh.)