Feelings!

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HI GUYS!

Sorry I haven’t been writing. I’ve been writing screenplays about revenge fantasies and a hefty paper on offensive jokes.

I’m figuring out how I feel about them while also trying to write a comprehensive guide on how to navigate them for people who wanna be funny AND not a jerk! AND empowering!

BUT IF YOU WANT AN UPDATE ON MY LIFE I AM KICKING ASS AND TAKIN NAMES AND ALSO COLLECTING BUTTHAIR ON THE BOTTOM OF MY SHOES.

Some people track mud. I track in the butthair of my adversaries. What can I say? 


WEEEEEE!

Filed under WEEEEEE

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FREE SOUP!!!!!

I’m going home tomorrow! Which is great because my face is FULL O MUCUS.

I need some motherfuckin soup.

In other newwws I think I quit grinding because you can never see the person’s face behind you. Recently I grinded up on some dude, and all of a sudden his hands were in the air and I have no idea what his face looked like.

Was he crying? Was the crying bad or good? We will never know!

JK NEVER STOP GRINDING! GRIND ON PEOPLE YOU THINK ARE HOT! GRIND ON YOUR ACQUAINTANCES! NOT JUST SEXY INTERESTS. GRIND ON YOUR PROFESSORS! YOUR FRIENDS! YOUR ENEMIES! THE BAR! THE WALL! 

GRIND FOR THE PEOPLE!
SCREAM IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS!!! 
IT’S A NEW TOMORROW!!!! WITH SPARKLY STUFF AND MOVING YOUR HANDS IN SEMI CIRCLES WHILE YOU GRIND!

THE GLITTERY SPARKLES FOLLOW YOUR HANDS!


But for real do your thing! Get weird! But not too weird! I mean, as long as everyone’s cool it’s cool. Ya know.

Reign it back in, guys.

Phwoo!

Wow. I’m glad we had that moment together.

<3333333

Filed under love grinding crying good crying cry tears grindingandtears fears&lt;grindingtears jafeel? douchebagit NODOUCHING VAGINA POWER Seriously.

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Hopes, Dreams and Fearz.

JUST FEARS!!!

FEARS, FEARS AND FEARS!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHH!!! OH NO!!! 

I am terrified.

I am terrified because for my conference work I have decided to bite the bullet and do stand up. The weird thing is I don’t find singing terrifying at all, I sound like a motherfucking robin in the spring time.

I also tanked and tanked and tanked with a blues band for two years in order to become comfortable singing in front of people. Then I drank a lot of alcohol to try to get over it, and tanked while I was drunk… and then one time I tried to hit this high note during a Led Zepplin song, but my nerves got to me and I had to apologize for making people’s ears bleed. 

After humiliating myself over and over I got desensitized to the shame, stopped giving a crap, and everything got better. Now I have to begin the same painful journey with another thing I want to do in front of people. 

The moral: nerves can kick your ass. But also! They’re you’re nerves. Unlike Miley Cyrus, they CAN be tamed. 

But also, crowds can suck. One time I sang in front of a tough crowd and no one even cracked a smile, and I almost cried in front of them… so….. I feel like that can be either construed as very sad or very funny depending on how you picture it in your mind. Actually I hope that because it’s definitely just embarrassing and sad.

Also, one time I saw my two friends do stand up, and they told a lot of fucked up jokes that I loved, and I cracked up, and so did this other guy, but no one else did. Like, I almost peed my pants I laughed so hard. So then they felt weird because only I was laughing, and then I felt weird because I was the only one laughing, which may be worse than having no one laugh? Maybe they all felt bad because they just couldn’t get on our level. whatevaaaa!

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

And when I get stressed out my mind blanks, so I keep sitting down to write some stand up and then my brain just shuts down and goes AHHH NO. PROTECT YOUR FRAGILE EGO GIRRRRRL.

There is a really good chance no one will laugh because it’s my first time, and I’ve never seen someone’s first stab at stand up go well.

I have some no fail stories, but like, they’re pretty personal and disgusting and almost all of them involve semen. I don’t even know.

Sorry.

I also feel a little pathetic for being like “wah wah wah what if they don’t like me,” but I can’t just go up there and be like “I DON’T CARE IF YOU LAUGH, FUCK YOU!” because.. well, I do.

This one successful guy online made this video and was like “you’re going to suck for a while, but you’ll have good taste still, and you’ll get better blah blah blah.”

If you see me slapping my own chest,roaring in the mirror,  and scream whispering “MEGAN FUCKING GILBERT MAN.” don’t be alarmed. I’m just getting PSYCHED UP. UHH.

If you wanna help you can join me. Ladiez room next Thursday night most probably.

AHHHH SO PAINFULL.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Love is pain~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

byeee

l8rrrrreeeeeee ;)

Filed under pain love semen standup AHHHH

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Let’s ask the tough questions, okay?

So, it’s time to let yall know how I’m doin.

Here’s a list of my current neuroses!

1.) How many seagulls have I killed by not recycling and how can I make it right? 

2.) Have any of the seagulls somehow benefited from the things I haven’t recycled? For example, have any of them made a nest out of a chip bag I threw in the garbage? Did my un-recycled chip bag somehow kill a predator, allowing it’s prey to survive? Is that even okay? Am I stopping the circle of life in some weird way? What about the factory farms?! I like hot-dogs but I also think I’d love chilling with an alive pig. There is definitely an ethical conflict here. I can’t be friends with my food. I don’t even know any pigs.

3.) I like Brooklyn.. but I also don’t.

4.) Can I pull off highwaisted shorts? -Oh wait never mind the answer is yes.

Well, actually the answer is that it’s complicated. Anyone can pull of highwaisted shorts if they buy the right ones… then again, some people buy the wrong ones and just flaunt their camel toes with a champion-like swagger that makes everyone want to have sex with them. I never thought camel toes could be sexy but whatever it’s 2014! The year of the camel toe!!! DO NOT FIGHT IT!

5.) Why does wet food that shouldn’t be wet bother me so much?

6.) Did my boss think I was crazy or more relatable when I was trying to make trumpet sounds while stocking snacks in the weird food closet? What does everyone here call the weird food closet? Is it a stock room? I don’t want to call it that and then be wrong.

Kbyeee!

Filed under seagulls the environment yah

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My Food Baby’s Conception Story

Hey Everyone!
This morning has led me closer to my destiny, so you can read about it and be changed or go live your empty life, cause I don’t give a CRAP.

It all started when I was awoken at 6:15 in the morning by my phone. That was not cool. It was one of those weird chimey campus alert things, and the sound of the chimey chimes made my ears scream… then it said “Due to inclement weather, there will be a two hour delay?” Then I thought to myself, “what does that even mean at a college?” and went back to bed.

Then my alarm went off. Did you guys know I set my alarm like five times because I am a tenacious over-sleeper and an individual?

Anyway, after the fifth alarm I always STILL go back to sleep, and then wake up a half hour later. This is a problem that I know how to fix, but my bed is warm and the world is cold, as you will soon see.

So, I walk to the train station, and the trains are all running late, so I wait and wait and make friends with the bagel guy, and at this point everyone who has been waiting feels a sense of camaraderie about one another which is super sweet, and then the train finally comes! I sit down on the train! And this old guy sits next to me, and everything is great until I close my eyes to take a little nap and the old man starts whispering to himself… AND THEN WE MADE EYE CONTACT. So I got off the train. No lie, no lie, no lie. Too creepy. 

Also! If that guy didn’t suck at whispering, we wouldn’t have had a problem. #loudwhisperingsucks

So.. Then I bumped into a lot of other creepy old guys who all looked the same! They were all really fat white guys with age spots and they all had the same type of  sweat suit, running sneakers and beanie look going on. I think they all meet in one of those weird basements where the doors are close to the ground and you  wonder if there’s like.. a weird chicken fighting ring or Say Yes To The Dress marathon happening down there. And, you know, there might be, but there might also be a bunch of old fat white guys trying to figure out what matching outfit to wear.

And then there will be that one white fat guy walking around who’s just trying to be comfy but gets lumped in with the weirdos. Poor not creepy non-suspecting old fat white guy.

Yikes!

So I finally get to work an hour late because of the hard obstacles I faced as a human being of the world and I did some intern-y stuff.

Then I was hit with a hunger that can only be compared to the emptiness one would feel in a terrifying cavern with wormy teethy things eating everything inside of it.

Kind of like the tapeworm diet. I was tapeworm diet hungry.

So I went to this beautiful place called…. BAGEL MAAAAVEN.

Bagel Maven is the best bagel place in New York City, maybe the world, and where my food baby was conceived. I ate a pumpernickel bagel, their last one. I ordered scallion cream cheese and lox along with it.. AND IT WAS GLORIOUS. AND IT WAS TOO MUCH FOOD. But I ate it anyway, and now I have a food baby gestating inside of me.

Filed under food food baby fate

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Things on muh miind

Hey guys!
Here are the things that are on my mind. 

This is a facebook status I almost posted, but instead decided to share with tumblr.. I mean, as long as you share right?

"Yo did Miley Cyrus give Cosmo a million dollars or something? Because they’re all like Miley, Miley, Miley, Miley, Miley, and I’m like, Hey Cosmo. Teach me how to please a man sessually. what was the middle sister on the Brady Bunch? I don’t know." -ME (A GENIUS)

I also think I am the new Jan Brady and Miley is Marcia. Look the fuck out because when you break your nose I’m going to secretly be happy about it.

Just kidding Miley protect your face!

I mean, I like Miley’s fierce whatever attitude and her outfits, and when she talks I think to myself “Uh oh is that racist?! Probably! Uh oh!!! Stop Miley!” But Cosmo thinks the sun shines out of her butthole. MORE BLOWJOBS LESS MILEY. This is my philosophy on life I think.

Nahh. 

I also think that Kings of New York is a craazy movie and I don’t think coke is actually that fun. There were just so many topless people at a party in one scene and some of them were having sex on the bags of cocaine, while licking some of the cocaine, and I was like whaaaaaat. Then they all got shot, and I was like WHAT?!? WHY?!?!? Woah. 

BUT! That funeral scene was amazing. I actually screamed. It also helped that Christopher Walken was such a dreamboat. At one point he said, “If I can do just one good thing. If I can have just one year,” and he had so many feelings. So many hunky, sexy, man feelings about selling drugs to buy a hospital for the children, all while sporting cheekbones that could cut through granite. 

Another thing that I think is that I ate too much pie and that I didn’t even like the pie that much. It was apple. Whatever.

These are my #feelings. *Respect* that.

Filed under feelings kings of new york miley woah WHAT WAIT WHY OMH OYVEY OH CWAP OH CRAPPPP THAT MOVIE THOUGH Christopher Walken Is so sexxxy

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THIS IS WHAT DREAMS ARE MADE OF…

How do I tell my boss that I have diabetes?

… oh well!

Life is good yall. Today was my first day at my internship and I got to know the photocopier very well. If you need shit copied with staples.. I’m good at it. Just sayin. Life skills!

I also tried to tell a joke but the only part of the joke the person heard was me whispering “I will kill you” But it’s okay because it has to be! What can I say?! Imma jokester! Gotchaaa! It’s funny!

I’m funny because I’m different from most people.

There will be a longer story about how a secretary yelled at me this morning for fangirling the dean of studies.. but I can’t give you everything at once. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? I’m not here to just throw my milk around. Please back off.  I will milk all over you if you are kind and patient with me. ;)

:o

Filed under fangirl deanofstudies coffee internship jojo iwillkillyou iwillKRILLyou mmmmkrill

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Anonymous asked: You are beautiful!! Also funny.

Thank you!

ALSO! Thank you for perfect timing! My 100th post is of you complimenting me. This rules.

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What do I do about people who grab my butt when I don’t want them to?

Guys, I’ve been trying to figure out what to do about these people who have been sexually harassing me for a while. Also a disclaimer, this is not about one person. It’s about many people from throughout my life. Like weird guys 1,2, and 3, and 4, the guy who made everything I say somehow relate to his penis. Creativity!

I’d also like to add that you do not have to look nice to be sexually harassed. This usually happens to me at my most shower/sleep deprived times. It’s steamy… but just in ja “wow, there’s just a lot of stuff going on with your whole deal and it’s emitting steam” sort of way.

At first I blamed myself because I’m friendly, and I hug people that I think are my friends, and sometimes people misunderstand.

BUT WOAH. You need a visa to enter bootytown. 

Also, if you’re going to say “If you weren’t a student…” to someone, stop before you complete the sentence. Actually, just complete the sentence with, “Nevermind, sorry about that! I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable. Did I? I’m sorry! It won’t happen again.”

So, here are some options.

1.) Grab his butt back and say “HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?!”

But what if he does.
Also, what if he doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong? 
But here’s the other thing, most men who are inappropriate say. “Omg I didn’t know…” And it’s like, really? Are you sure you didn’t know?! 
I read an article recently that surveyed male students in one southern and one midwestern university, and many of them said they’d lie about not knowing what they were doing in order to get away with a lot of shit. I mean, that’s one article, but that kind of mindset is out there.

Also, are you really that dumb?! Really? “Oh man I had no idea my hand was there! I had no idea where my body was in space! I had no idea that I was taking advantage of a weird power dynamic even though I say shit like ‘keep it on the low’. I just like secrets. They’re a hobby of mine. I’m not worried about people knowing or anything, but keep it on the low.”

But then there are the guys who really don’t know. #delimmas #everybodysdifferent #dangit #dummies.

I could 2.) Write a rager, which I’m kind of doing, but I feel weird about it! Whatever. This blog is titled “Feelings!” because it’s all about FEELINZ. GET REAL OR GET OUT K? THIS IS MY HOUSE! Just like my body is my temple. Oh what?

3.) The next time the guy says hi to me, I could just shake my head at him and walk away, but that could be misconstrued to mean so many things..

It’s just that I have to decide what my goal actually is. I want him to never grab my or anyone’s asses without permission anymore. I also want to prove to myself that I can communicate my boundaries with people I’d rather not communicate.

Mostly I have this fantasy where I put motherfuckers in their PUHLACE. But why? I’m only a little jaded! I like mocking things but I still have some ideals and believe in the general goodness of people. Why don’t I want to hug the motherfuckers?! Actually, that is not a problem because I have shit to do. I have friends (They’re real.. promise!) And work! And school! And TV shows to watch and freak out about. I don’t have time to sit every person who has fucked up ideas and untangle them all. I’m kind of busy trying to become AmyPoehlerDiabloCodyBeyonce. So get out of the way assgrabbers k?! Actually it’s not a choice fucking move.

I could. 3.) Let it go, accept it, and let it roll of my back.

This is what I have been doing, minus the letting go part, obviously. 
I’ve also complicated things by trying to capitalize on it. They sexually harass me, I get them to do me favors. I’ve justified this with lots of different creeps for years because it gave me some power in the equation. But the problem is, although it was getting me drinks after the bar closed from the creepy bartender, free rides, being let off the hook when I didn’t deserve to be and numerous other “favors”. I wasn’t getting what I actually wanted, which was for these douchebag idiots to respect my boundaries.

This is can also be referred to as the patriarchal bargain, which is when someone who is oppressed by the patriarchal system uses their role in order to either survive or gain something. But.. I don’t need to to survive. So I don’t have to do it, and I don’t want to. 

If anything, reading about the patriarchal bargain just puts more meaning behind me when I yell FUCK THE PATRIARCHY!
Which I haven’t done yet.. but get ready. The yelling will happen soon.

That’s not to say that everyone has to opt out though. Capitalize on that shit if that’s what you wanna do! I’m all for assholes losing money/time. Go for it!

The last option is to state my boundaries.

Every time I try to do this I end up getting tongue tied and then the dude just asks me questions about what I’m doing later and where I’m trying to be, and then I just say vague nice things to get him to stop talking to me. 
So, next time I see that guy, I’m going to do that even though it will probably be done between hyperventilating and getting nervous hives. Whatever. Turtleneck lyffe.

And if it makes him sad, oh well. Learning isn’t always magical and fun.

P.S. To the person who gave me the bootytown line, I am forever grateful.

GILBERT. OUT.

Filed under turtlenecklife lovinit privilege sexualharassmant steamy sex bootytown brooklyn Williamsburg hip sushi analbeadz ok